Time to bring back the old self

I have a proposition to my self. It's not a resolution but a proposition. Because I don't know if my self will accept it yet. This thought was like a song playing in my head, harassing my brain since last night but I was too cold to get out of bed.
On with the proposition. I propose to treat my self with a lot more kindness starting this year (if my self likes it, to continue on the following years) - starting off with staying away from sweets, eating less meat but more vegetables. Stay away from coffee completely. Drink more juice. Eat cereals in the morning (and at night). Never set eyes on chips. After all, who really needs junk in your system?
I propose to be more active in achieving my self wants and needs. Hug my self more often, give a pat on the shoulder after a long day's work - assuring my self we did a good job and that my self is important to the world (okay, that may be too much, but my self should feel good everytime, all the time).
I also propose to minimize my self wallowing in things I cannot change (stop sulking, for pete's sake and get on with life!).
I should also start treating my self with nice things once in awhile. Wear nice clothes even if you are just going to the grocery store. Try wearing heels again. And remember how good it felt knowing you look good and "damn so pretty".
Anyway, with all things said, this proposition can only materialize if my self choose to accept it.
So, please, please, DO!

Just one of those days

I was a little bit under the weather the past days. Couldn't even spell or type or think much. Must be the weather. Yes, gotta blame it on something. Or it could just be hormonal - you know, women just have all these hormones act up once a month at least.
It's a time when you just wanna curl up and just be a shrimp - all day long or all week long. Terrible.
In younger days, you wonder how come people get to be emotionally messed up and sometimes you wish you could feel the depressing emotion that others feel - wrong wish! Before you know it, there you are, all grown up and feeling the same sh*t that you have "wished" you felt as well. Lesson learned: be extremely careful with what you wish for.
But wherever life takes you, you know you will always bounce back (unless you're six feet under). With the help of a grown-up word: resiliency. It maybe hard to leap from a depressive state but if you learn to step back and look at things in a different perspective - accept what you cannot change (for the meantime) and focus on what you can change and how you can change it - then it won't be long before you "return back to your normal state" (I borrowed that from registry mechanic - hehe)
So before I start sounding like Dr. Phil here, which, for those of you who hasn't seen him in person, he is really tall. And for some reason, people just scream and go ga-ga over him. Okay, STOP! reserve for next blog.
Well, what I am actually trying to say here is I'm back now. Back into typing again - of whatever crosses my mind. Ya, I'm a blabber and damn proud to be one. Ha!

The poet that was

We started sorting out some papers, loads of papers last weekend and I came across a small notebook with my first few poems (like really the first ones - when I was in 5th grade 'til high school). I would like to share some of them here) Brace yourselves! :)

I NEED SOMEONE

I need someone to be my friend
Someone I could walk with hand in hand.
I need someone to comfort me
But who could she be?

Someone to help me with my problems,
Who'll advise me so I could solve them.
Someone I could trust
With the memories of my past.

The one that could make me happy
When I'm feeling lonely,
The one that has a good character
But where could I find her?

Maybe she's a gift of God
For me from up above
A friend that I could treasure
With the love I couldn't measure.

She's the greatest person
That I've ever known
A friend that is so true
And that is really you.

ROFL. I couldn't help it. Hahahaha. I think I was talking about my dog. Don't you think? Hey, give me a break, I know it sounds a little self-centered, but I was 11, what can you expect?
Anyway, here's another one. I wrote this one just a few days after the first one (above). Remember, I was 11 or maybe around 11 and a half.

BROKEN HEARTED

All those days I'm with you
You made me happy when I'm blue
But one day you made me cry
When you said to me, goodbye.

All the memories you left to me
It made me sad as sad as I could be
'Cause when I think of you everytime
I thought you were already mine.

Days have passed
You have returned
So much that I've missed you
But what did you do?

You didn't keep your promise to me
I said to myself how foolish I could be
In all my life, I have loved you eversince,
And I thought you were my prince.

That's the wrong thing I've ever did
And now love is all I need
But I promised that I'll never love again anymore
Because of what you did to me before.

But one day I met a guy
I said to myself, why not give it another try
Whenever you see his meaningful smile
It will make you think for awhile.

He is quite good-looking
For his eyes are very captivating
He has the perfect voice
And can be a composer's choice.

When he whispered to me, 'I loveyou'
I thought it all came true
But he disappeared right before my eyes
'Cause it was only a dream, a dream that was very nice.

Every night I think of you
'Cause I couldn't start my whole life anew
And I'm still a broken hearted
Oh, how could I mend it?

Say what age again? eleven! or maybe eleven and a half! I know, it sounds corny, that is the result of watching too much soaps! But I remember when I finished writing this poem, I was damn proud I was able to do a 9-paragraph one! Whew!
This will do for now. I don't want you have indigestion after reading those two. I promise it gets a little better - past one poem, "my little tree". Which I will reserve when we are all having a bad day. It's a sure picker-upper. It sent me laughing so hard I got a tummy ache after reading it. Okay, I won't tell anymore about it.
In the meantime, I will just amuse myself by reminiscing the poet who died a long time ago. Alas, her wit remains...

Advil and Me

I am beginning to hate winter. I used to love winter. My first winter storm embraced me the minute the plane landed in Winnipeg airport in 2002. Talk about blowing me off my feet, literally! (Now, if only guys would do that, eh?) But after a few seasons, winter is beginning to make a toll on me.
Does it have to do with where I am now?
Since I came to this four-season-extreme-weathered country, I accepted the fact that I will have my annual flu. You may notice there is some degree of ownership to that. I've learned to accept that I will have a flu visit every year. I am fine with that. Since it gives me some days off from work (ya, what a way to spend days off). Bed-ridden and all. Besides, it gives me some time to just watch old movies, sleep and sleep some more.
This year is different. I had my supposedly annual flu last summer (yes, believe it or not). But I had some bouts of symptom-like flu this winter. And for some reason I can't seem to get rid of it completely. Okay, before you say the F word (flu-shot), sorry, you can't make me get it. There's just no way, I would. (Reasons will be in another blog)
And then came my new bestfriend, Advil. Boy, oh boy, it brought me to my senses. And I mean, I can smell what I'm baking, taste what I cooked, and even see clearly what the hell I am chopping! Advil is like my knight in shining armor and with it, I can be whatever I want to be. Keeps me on the clock 24/7, always reminding me "it is time". I know this is the right one, I've tried and tested others, and even went with one that is a natural, no false pretense. But right now, my new bestfriend just stands out. Keeps me on my feet.
I just hope our friendship will just be this season. Frankly, I am not so fond of popping pills except for my regular supplements.
Does that sound contradicting? Uhmm, Nah...you're just imagining things.

See, I remember...

It's January 11th and my lola's birthday. I miss her terribly.

I feel sad since this is the only picture I have of her. I wish I grabbed more pictures from my mom before. Or even had more pictures with my dear lola. Let me tell you about this picture, this was her 79th birthday in 1998. So, if I got it right, she would have been 89 this year.
My grandmother, oh, there are so many words to describe her - she's a workaholic, a martyr, loves to play bingo, hates to be around unruly kids, first impression would be she's a cranky old woman - but hey, she has the right to be and I know how to mellow things with her.
I remember the first time we talked, it was a family outing and I couldn't swim having my monthly visitor that time ( I think I was about 16 or 17). I never really talked to my lola before that, so it was a little awkward. She asked me if I remember when she used to babysit me and my siblings when my parents would go out. Of course I remember. During nap time, she's the one asleep while we'll be the ones watching her. I think we tire her out easy. Ha!
When I lived with them for awhile ('coz my office was within walking distance from their house), we became closer. We'd have our evening chats and watch late night old movies (b&w) in her 5' tv. Mind you, one time I asked her why are we watching these movies in such a small screen when she has a big tv - and she would just tell me that it's more fun watching it on her own tv (hint: the bigger one is my grandfather's). Nevertheless, I learned to love old black and white movies.
One night, during our evening chats, my lola asked me if I will remember her even when she's gone. Since she knows our family doesn't make the annual visit to cemeteries (like most filipinos). I assured her that I will never forget her. And I never did. I haven't forgotten how she lit up when she saw me again after she came back from the states. I haven't forgotten how she secretly gave me a couple of small scarves (with 101 dalmatians design); how she beamed whenever I go with her to play bingo (even though we lost most times). And how she loved watching me while I eat dinner (coming from a very tiring work day - sorry I can't elaborate on that). And even how she would tell off my cousin from using the phone just because I need to use it.
My lola became my bestfriend in the family. I never thought I would have such a connection with her. She used to tell me I don't need a boyfriend or anybody, because she is always there.Funny thing to hear from your grandmother. Like you never really grew up.
I miss you, 'la. Whenever I watch "beaches" (our favorite movie), it never fails to make me cry. And even in writing or talking about you, it brings tears rolling down in buckets.
I know you lived a full colorful life and I am grateful I had the privilege to know you and love you.
I will forever remember, 'la.

Lucky Strike (and I don't mean menthol)

Hear me out today. In life, there are two things that are inevitable: death and winning the lottery. Come to think of it, neither would you know when it will strike you. In the lottery, you increase your odds by buying a ticket. In death, you increase your odds (inviting it sooner) by not taking care of your body - for which I know most of us know by now (if you don't, well, go to your search engine).
EVERYBODY can look forward to dying. But NOT EVERYBODY will win the lottery. And that is just logical.
You can read about people winning unexpectedly, but c'mon, when you buy a ticket, you HOPE you will win the jackpot. But not everybody is lucky enough, eh. Just recently, I read an article about half-siblings (why do they still call it that, is it lengthwise or crosswise? - geesh!), winning the big pot. They only met 16 years ago. Both were given up for adoption, they grew up far across the country, yada, yada, yada. And since then they have been very close. During the holidays, they thought of buying a lottery ticket (just for the heck of it) and voila! they won!. Quit jobs, buy all the material things, live comfortably, end of story.
I wonder sometimes, do you increase your chances of winning by having "a story" to tell? I buy a ticket once in awhile. Though not religiously as some people I've seen. There is some hope alright but not too hopeful. The odds makes me feel insecure.
Now, with death, I've experienced losses - and it can be tough, specially when you lose the ones very close to your heart. You can never know, really, when or even in what shape you will go. Others, get a heads up when their doctor tells them roundabout when - and by being in such shape, they most likely know how. Touchy subject. I'm not gonna cry. Not today. I am still doing laundry.
So, with these two inevitable events, I just hope I am in a good shape when it comes. With winning the lottery, I hope I don't have a heart condition - so when I learn I won the big pot, I won't have a heart attack that would lead me to the other inevitable event- death. Now, that can be ironic.

Baker's Dilemma

I have a disease. So I think. I call it the "baker's syndrome". Symptoms include waking up in the middle of the night WANTING to bake (a muffin, a cookie, or a cake) - for which unless you acted upon it, you can never go back to sleep. Tough! Another symptom is you get "overly" excited reading a recipe that you can actually taste or smell the end-product. (how pathetic is that?). And when you are done baking (or cooking), you end up just taking a small bite and that's it - you are cured! (well symptoms subside at least).
I have all these symptoms since cooking became my means of living. I never told my doctor about it - he'll probably refer me to the psychiatric division. Where probably,(in the event they found out I am non-threatening) they will assign me to do kitchen duties - ha!
I don't consider myself as a really good cook (or baker) but I think I do fairly well - compared to those that never really set foot in the kitchen. Hey, I have my father's genes to add. ( I am not adopted after all)
You might ask, what do I do in the event the above symptoms arise - I act on it. Otherwise, I will get cranky all day, anxious, and very hard to live with - all in one day! And that can be very annoying, you know.
Oh well, I don't know how else to deal with it right now, and since my friends are more than happy when I get these symptoms - I think that should be fair enough, eh?
In the meantime, I am itching to bake that blueberry muffin.
Bon appetit!

Time for Reflections

Another day. Another year. For some people it's a time to reflect on the year that was. For others, it's just another year. Make sure you remember to write 8 on your checks instead of 7. That, I always try to remind myself to do - it can be very tricky if you forget, you know.
Let's see, reflections? I guess it's mostly about career, diet, finances. I used to write my goals for the year on new year's eve - that was when, I never have to worry about rent, about bills and lots of bills, and more bills. Then after awhile, I realized I forgot to do most of them, so I decided to write a two year goals list - which after two years, I forgot not just to do them but forgot where I put that damn list! grrrr!
So, I thought of something - and this is major! Since this will comprise of my whole lifetime. I've decided to write my goals in life! - doesn't matter what year I am able to accomplish it so there wouldn't be any pressure - whew! I even wrote it on a notebook - to make sure I can easily spot it. Now, if only I can remember where I put it. Darn!
Okay, okay, no need to panic.
This year, I've decided to just let things be. Que cera cera. I'm too stressed out thinking I needed to do this, do that. Simplicity is my theme this year. Making things simple. No complications. Yeah, I like that word, just plain simple.